Thot mannerisms that I once perceived to be astounding now seem to be idiotic. The older my mind gets the better choices my eggplant makes. I have never been the type of guy to engage in serial dating on a consistent basis. Honestly I loathe the dating process; it’s too cumbersome and time consuming.
In the thirty plus years spent on this awesome planet I have only been involved two long term committed relationships. Things did’t work out but the experience gained has proven to be worth its weight in gold.
For the past few years though I have been exclusively impersonating a dollar bill. In layman’s terms I’m single and all over stripper booty’s.
I mean I’ve dabbled a little bit here and there. You know, got my thot on with a few single ladies, married women, chicks with boyfriends and even a so called lesbian or two (not bragging, just providing you with some background info).
I’ve also attempted to actively swim in that chlorine deprived dating pool. I ended up sitting on the edge, ankles deep, partially immersed, wading in the waters.
Nothing of substance ever came out of it though. It takes me way too long to develop emotional connections and women can be impatient.
I believe that during the first six to twelve months of courting that we are dating that person’s representative. This is when some people put on that proper edict hat and mask their true selves.
Replying to text/calls within a reasonable time frame. Making yourself more available. Picking up the check. Chewing with your mouth closed. Putting on good underwear (W/O holes). Taking your partners views and opinions into consideration.
The list is endless.
A large percentage of the women that I had considered enslaving wanted to move super fast. Sounds crazy doesn’t it?
Well after two months of phone conversations, maybe three dates, and one possible sexual encounter later. That dreaded L word makes a guest appearance.
Is that standard? This brand of aggressive, emotional interaction makes me very uncomfortable. So instead of actively dating I took a more thot based approach.
It was fun at first. Not having to answer to anyone. Ignoring phone calls and responding to text/inboxes days later. Not having to take any woman’s feelings into account before doing something asinine was my super power.
The casual thotting world operates on this abstract wave length. In this bizzaro universe things are never what they appear to be. It’s entirely ass backwards in fact.
When two people talk for a bit, text, and get to know one another. Then in the blink of an eye, underwear goes missing and things start going bump in the night.
That whole “we’re not a couple but do things that couples do” phase is sweet for a while. Until someone decides that they want and deserve more.
Ladies no disrespect, but you cannot Fire-stick and chill then expect a guy to send flowers to your job the next day.
I mean there are some awesome gentlemen out there who would do exactly that.
I’m just not one of them.
My thot exploits did not involve hoe hopping, the majority of the time. I’ve kicked it with down to earth, mature woman that were great people who handled their responsibilities before turning up.
They didn’t need anything from me other than my time which rarely ever involved coitus.
They were extremely cool but they weren’t exactly relationship material based on my standards. What does that mean? It means that hurdles like religious beliefs, ignorant value systems, immaturity, and clinginess created road blocks.
I’ve also pulled up on beautiful woman whose moral compass needed some fine tuning. Their hips and thighs were pleasing on the eyes but other than that their was no appeal.
This was the kind of woman who would have dope designer clothes but no shower curtain in her damn bathroom. Mixed priorities are not a turn on.
I truly desired to do things like grab a bite to eat, go bowling, or maybe catch a flick. But I thought that going out on dates with any of my “lady friends” would enhance any already existing attachments.
Then a humbling life experience forced me to gain some unexpected clarity.
I no longer wanted to be the type of guy who led women on. Not by straight up lying to her but by allowing her to believe that we could possibly be something more than what we already were. If that makes any sense.
How could I possibly “entertain a woman beyond sex” when I had no intentions of entering into a relationship with her?
Easy, it’s called Backpage but that’s a whole other blog in itself.
After some time man thotting becomes very depressing. Every time I engaged in explicit activity (which wasn’t as often as you’d think) with a woman whom I did not see a future with it felt like I was losing a part of myself.
It was as if a tiny portion of my mojo was sucked out of my soul.
I was literally feeling empty inside. (Eww)
I craved a much deeper and more passionate connection. Warm embraces, timeless kisses, late night talks under the stars. All that unbelievable corny shit couples do that single people hate to love.
I cringe at the sight of joyful couples while low key envying those mushy bastard.
They are such disrespectful phuckers, walking around all happy and shit while holding hands. Looking all smitten and immersed in each other’s existence.
I meandered through the dating process not taking it too seriously. The women I was interested in getting to know, had absolutely no interest in getting to know me.
While the woman plying for my attention were not exactly my style. Isn’t that usually how it goes *kanye Shrug*?
On the bright side those odds made it particularly easy for me to keep Jake the snake in his cage.
In my attempts to thoroughly get to know a women I discovered that I am entirely too damn picky. As a result I couldn’t find a suitable match to fit my outlandish criteria.
She would possess the physical attributes but wouldn’t have the attractive mental fortitude to maintain my attention. Or, she was mentally magnificent but there was no overly indulgent sexual attraction on my end other than “Free Cooter”.
I encountered one visually pleasing young lady that could tie two cherry stems in a knot with her tongue, simultaneously. She loved to dress up, role play, and serve me in anyway.
But she hadn’t cracked a book since grammar school and she always wanted borrow money.
Then there was the career minded woman. She was driven and empowered. Oh what an alluring specimen. She worked, took care of her kids and was as independent as they come. But getting intimacy from her was like trying to make wine with cashews.
She excelled in all areas except for the “making sure her man doesn’t need another woman” category.
But these things happen.
And then there’s the lady in the streets and a mega freak in the bed. She has her own, she’s loving, supportive, she cooks, cleans and handles her business.
Obviously this would be the kind of Queen that a strong King needs by his side right?
Nope, that is undoubtedly incorrect!!! Why, because she’s O.D. annoying. When she’s not accusing her man of being with his other hoes she’s smothering him with phone calls, and wyd text.
Which one is the lesser evil?
Lucky for me, I’ve reached a high point in life where my leveling up has no room for any of them.
Call me Petty Andretti but I’m tired of not being able to share anything real with someone. It’s tough to be friends and casually intimate.
Any who I’ve discovered that I was missing something that I never cared to have in the first place. A genuine connection filled with reasonable morning text, exquisite dinner dates, with an open minded workout partner.
However, I do enjoy spending holidays alone without that special lady. It’s cool being able to sleep on either side of the bed. Best of all, having a dry ass phone when you hunger for the sound of a soft comforting voice is so fulfilling.
Man oh man this is the life [insert sarcasm right here].
Sounds lame right? I can’t believe I just wrote that…. It’s like a handicap.
Now that I’m entertaining the idea of settling down I’ve found that it’s hard as phuck.
Picking a suitable woman that is. My candidates are excellent but that unwavering belief that there’s someone better keeps me in a state of analysis paralysis.
This is when you start curving everyone while complaining about being lonely.
I believe that I truly have a lot to offer. I’m not going to sit down and eat with just anybody.
I finally understand what it’s like to be ultra selective about who you give your time too.
I was raised by women to be an independent gentleman. Therefore I have no need to depend upon anybody for my basic necessities.
A woman who can see straight past your flaws right through to the greatness inside of you is hard to find these days. This is that same greatness which also eludes you. But some how she manages to bring it out.
The craziest part is that when a guy decides to try his hand at celibacy nobody believes that he is not smashing some chick.
When I tried to curb my bedside manner I was inundated with opportunities for new sexual conquest.
But when being a casual man thot never tickled your fancy it’s quite easy to say “Nah I’m good”.
Here’s a dope list of the ten things I did to exorcise my alpha male thot demons.
1. Discover what you bring to the table: We all have strengths. Some are undoubtedly much more valuable than others. Playing to your strengths is a good look.
Trust me, there are women out here in these streets hawking for a come up. Their primary goal is to exploit your strengths for their own personal benefit.
Be selective in regards to which ones you allow into your circle. Do you value your amazing attributes or are your services available to every Keisha and Tamika? (Community Service)
2. Decide exactly what it is that you want: Relationship goals really do exist and I’m not referring to those corny ass photos with bogus hash tags. Decide by creating an overview.
Write down exactly what traits your ideal woman would possess. Be realistic, don’t get carried away though. This will give you insight into the kind of questions you should be to asking your candidates.
3. Be honest with yourself, and stay in your lane: There is such a thing as dating out of your league! I will keep it one hundred with you.
Don’t be out here chasing Oprah and you’re not moving like Stedman (humble thyself beloved). If the woman you desire is of a certain caliber be prepared to step your game up and get a bigger gun.
4. Get to know a perspective mate on a whole other level: Completely remove sex from the equation. Yes, fornication is fun and it’s an essential part of a great relationship.
Doing things that are far away from the bedroom gets her out of her element which in turn will get you inside of her elements.
F.Y.I Groupon and AirBnb is the new Bill Cosby method (I’m just saying, check it out).
5. Develop a standard and stick to it: There are levels to this. I’m not saying be bad a boujee. I’m saying don’t settle for less than what you deserve.
6. Limit your casual encounters: Unless you’re paying for it (sorry, not sorry). If you’re a guy like me friends with benefits is the enemy.
When a woman sees something real in you it’s a wrap. A man with good character that’s gainfully employed, emotionally stable and not a phuck boy is a hot commodity.
Be mindful she’s going to want more than a cuddle buddy situation…… eventually.
7. Become exactly what it is that you’re looking for: Attracting the woman that you want can be easy. Especially if she’s materialistic.
Finding the woman that you need is key which makes it that much more challenging. Get on a positive emotional wave length. Exude the kind of energy that you’d like to attract.
8. Save your best tricks for someone who deserves it: I’ve seen women pull out that A-1 bed game thinking that it was going to keep me around.
Great sex is important so make sure she’ll appreciate and compliment your sexcipades. “Everything” is not for “Everybody”, I repeat “Everything” is not for everybody. Especially in regards to your health and safty.
Regrettably it will be a rigid slope for anyone trying to build a solid foundation on top of lust.
9. Leading people on gets old: That’s a young boys game. Emphasis on young boy. Intentionally hurting a woman that you care about is not cool.
If you’re grown ass man leave the games alone. Tell them what it is and let them decide if they are with it or not. Don’t be out here scum-bagging these good women. Period!
10. The right woman can inspire you to accomplish your greatest achievements: The presence of a stellar chick by your side will inspire you to level up.
Especially if she has ambition. I do not want a subservient woman. I need someone to add to my strengths. I had a knack for allowing this type of beauty to slip through my finger tips.
So paying attention is crucial. But be careful. This breed of woman will check on you to make sure that your in good standing.
“Have you eaten, hows work, did you do what need to be done”?
They will also let you know when your screwing up. Point blank. So if your not ready for a strong woman continue to chase those inferior video vixens.
Make sure she’s worth it though. There’s nothing worse than getting rid of all your hoes for a hoe.
Until we meet again, it’s your bro..